www.JohnForUSSenate.com
Subject: Saved from the ducks!
Date: 4/3/00 11:37 PM
Standoff Ends Tragically For Eccentric Squintillionare

In case you have not heard of this most recent armed attack by the Government, I am posting a copy of an e-mail which I received this morning.

Steve Raiguel; BSNN contributor

DUCKBURG- In a coordinated predawn raid this morning, heavily armed agents from the Treasury Department, FBI, and ATF stormed the supposedly impenetrable bunker known as the "Money Bin", from which "Uncle" Scrooge McDuck, accused ringleader of a tax resistance network, has held Federal Marshals at bay for more than two weeks. After a brief exchange of shots following the breaching of the bunker's walls, the octogenarian went down in a hail of gunfire.

The siege began early this month after McDuck lost a final court appeal seeking to enjoin the of seizure his huge fortune. McDuck fell afoul of the Internal Revenue Service last year in failing to report his "Old Number One" dime to the IRS, listing it instead as a "talisman". On discovering this omission, the IRS moved swiftly to seize McDuck's fortune under federal forfeiture statutes, leading to the lengthy court battle during which McDuck vowed, prophetically, that "they would steal his money over his dead body."

In a second, simultaneous raid at a house on Mallard Way owned by McDuck's 35-year-old nephew, Donald Duck, agents, acting on an anonymous tip, recovered further evidence of a far-reaching conspiracy. Donald Duck, an individual described by neighbors as 'temperamental' and 'combative', was taken under arrest along with three male juveniles discovered living at the residence. They are now being questioned by authorities regarding the activities inside the Duck compound.

Duck reportedly appeared frequently in public sporting a quasi-military sailor's outfit, and has long been suspected of right-wing militia activity. Survivalist gear, including uniforms, insignia, and literature of the clandestine "Junior Woodchucks" organization were found inside the compound. Agents were initially unable to locate the cache of weapons stipulated by the search warrant until the arrival of a van containing several large crates labeled "special search equipment" which were unloaded into the compound under close guard. Shortly thereafter, a huge stockpile of automatic rifles, grenades, bazookas, and tactical nuclear weapons came to light and were put on display for reporters.

Back at the "Money Bin", ATF personnel displayed an unregistered assault blunderbuss recovered from the burned-out ruins of the bunker. An agent explained that while technically legal, it was the weapon of choice for street gangs and psychopathic serial killers. "These things may look harmless enough", he explained, "but by changing just three components -- the barrel, the action, and the stock - you can convert one into a fully automatic 105-mm howitzer. I hate to think of how many kids we saved by getting this baby off the streets."

Gladstone Gander, head of the FBI's domestic strike force and coordinator of the assault on the McDuck stronghold denied that profit had been a motive in moving to seize the enormous assets contained in the bunker.

"Certainly not, I can say uncatagorically that the monies involved, huge though they may be, had absolutely nothing to do with our decision to act. McDuck has been under our scrutiny for some time now, and if need be, we can produce witnesses linking his name to international money laundering interests, drug smuggling, child pornography, Satanism, and the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa. We had information - I'm not at liberty to divulge the sources, of course - that he and his nephew were also the leaders of a Duck Supremacist cult that was abusing ducklings. That's why we had to move - to protect those kids! Anybody saying otherwise is simply trying to undermine this investigation and I can assure you, that those individuals can expect to have their 1040 forms scrutinized very carefully next year."

Defending the agencies' use of strategic bombers in the raid, Attorney General Zero Gannet, acting as spokesbird for the Justice Department, explained "The old duck had the place completely rigged with booby traps. We had to think of our men. We almost lost two of our best agents when they stepped on a trip wire, dumping a bucket of paint right on top of them. They're up there in the hospital right now, fighting for their lives, and the doctors still don't know if they'll ever be any color but taupe for the rest of their lives. We had to go in, and go in strong. The old codger had vowed we'd never take him alive. Besides, some kids coulda stepped into one of those booby traps of his, he had them set up all over the place."

A social worker counseling the three young ducks found inside the Duck compound, known only as "Huey, Dewey, and Louie" commented that "Lord only knows what those poor kids went through in there. "Of course, they're going to need several months of intensive therapy and reprogramming by our own crack team of staff psychologists. After that, I think they'll be ready to testify against this Duck character. We need more liberal search and seizure laws to protect society against malicious ganders like that, I mean, what kind of miscreants would use innocent children for their own political purposes?"

The recent events in Duckburg have raised popular opinion against armed terrorist groups like the Duck gang and have resulted in a groundswell of public outrage calling for tougher sanctions against tax resistors, increased surveillance of individuals holding anti-government opinions, and the confiscation of all privately owned blunderbusses, as shown by a recent NBC poll in which 94% of respondents answered affirmatively when asked the question "do you think children should be protected from dangerous criminals". President Hornbill has been reported to be meeting with his advisors at this time and has scheduled a press conference for 10:00 A.M. (EDT) in which he's expected to push for tougher laws and sweeping government powers to combat similar terrorist networks.

ęSteve Raiguel copyright 2000, All rights reserved